Eetrarai Birth Stories
For every woman, pregnancy and childbirth are among the most joyful moments of life — unforgettable experiences that remain etched in the heart forever. Carrying a first child, in particular, is a time when a woman feels the fullness and beginning of her womanhood. I too was blessed with such beautiful experiences at the ages of 19 and 22. Each day was filled with overwhelming hope, dreams, imagination, and anticipation — perhaps even more so because of how young I was.
June-Baby
“One has to bring up a child as if it belongs to the world and the world belongs to the child” Krishnammal paati said to my partner before continuing with ‘… baby is going to come…!’ At Jagannathan ayya’s samadhi in Gandhigram, we shared the moment and took their blessings. Dr.Sathya very compassionately cared for us. With origami puppets and video calls, we broke the news to the family. Aunty made kesari to celebrate the new beginning, everyone blessed us. We were happy and excited. We also found a small scanning place where the father will be allowed to be inside the room for the scan. I remember my partner crying when he saw the baby dance inside the womb after a whole day’s wait and innumerable fruit juices.
“It’s all for the baby!” The whole world started revolving around the unborn. My caffeine intake was banned while all the other foods became available at all times. Apple-Beetroot-Carrot juice became my companion’s specialty, relentlessly he’d make it for me each day. My sister sent me a dress with mummies on it. Ajay and Archana quietly watched me eat the bhajis that were meant for everyone. Aathirai took care of me at work.
As a mother-to-be I received extra love and care. I cherish the memory of my late aunty Tara, sitting on her dining chair, dancing and singing aloud “baby… baby… baby…!!”. Through the pregnancy, all of us ensured that I didn’t take much stress or strain. My first realization of my body changing was when I ran to catch a bus, a usual thing; but I just couldn’t keep pace, I was breathless, panting heavily and felt extremely sick. Only then I slowly began to learn about my new self that was coming to be.
As the baby grew, everything seemed dreamy; we recorded videos talking to the child, read many books to him, ate both healthy and moody, had photoshoots, somehow managed with multiple pillows to achieve comfortable sleep, had our pet dogs and cats rest on the womb, spoke and sang to the baby; the pandemic began. Amidst all the confusion around the world, we had complete family time. My in-laws coaxed the goldsmith to secretly make me bangles. Through the lockdown and new-everyday restrictions, they managed all ritualistic arrangements, ensuring blessings from all around. We had a baby shower and then traveled across states with a quarantine stamp on the arm.
My grandmother sang long stotras for the baby, my father, sister, uncles, aunts, grandfather, companion, students; everyone took great care to fulfill all my cravings in the most sanitized way. My mother fought her way from a foreign country to see and support me. My doctor sister, stayed back home sanitizing everything or stayed away from home for days when she had her duty at the hospital. She was more than anyone concerned about the pregnancy; The slightest of symptoms and she applied all her ‘medical gyan’… and panicked. Her friends, all doctors, were available to me and showered me with food and fun.
I feel I was blessed to have myself surrounded with loving family. There were also times when difficult things were spoken, to which I spoke to the baby about how we could choose to listen to or not listen to and interpret in our own ways, things which are in our hands in this interestingly wonderful world. Pregnancy during the pandemic demanded dynamicity. I continued with my work, cooked, cleaned, even tailored quilts from old sarees during the wait. I consulted with the doctor regularly, did exercises that supported pregnancy and also prepared my body for feeding. I kept walking and walking, and it was soon 40 weeks. “Enough!” I felt, but I kept telling myself “it’s all for the baby..! Baby decides when to come out” and went on with walking and exercises.
At midnight, while we were amidst pandemic fun things, the water broke. First thing we kept calm. We had talked about and planned for different scenarios earlier. A bag was packed and kept ready for the hospital. We drove to the hospital, I was admitted in the emergency while my partner ran around, filling forms, completing the formalities. Later, I was taken to the room. Throughout the night I was noting down the timings and the contractions. Also entering in between my feelings, emotions and scolding my companion for falling asleep while I was putting to practice all the breathing techniques and pain relieving techniques that I have learnt. By morning, I thought that the pain was unbearable and they took me for an NST where the result showed that what was unbearable for me was only 20% on the pain scale. My heart sank and my fear grew. And then began the saga of endless walking, drinking water, butterfly-like flapping of my legs., and all other sets of exercises for more dilatation and stronger contractions. After a couple of hours, the pain which was still unbearable to me, reached only 30% of what it should be. Unbelievable !!
Due to the pandemic, none of the other family or friends were allowed to the hospital. There were several video calls and long hours of wait. By now, it had already been 12 hours of labor pains and we were both very tired and scared. As time passed, the fear grew and we gave into all suggestions given by the hospital staff. They were wanting to help. We agreed to be induced, we agreed to take an epidural, we agreed to do a C-section if necessary and we were shifted to a pre-preparatory room where we were asked to wait. While waiting through the pain, through the contractions, the fears that both of us had as first-time-parents, we tried to laugh through and crack jokes because we thought that the child was listening and could feel our fears. That’s when a lady walked up to us in a navy blue uniform, introduced herself as a Doula, a word we heard for the first time. She began by asking us how we were doing. For my complaints about the pain, she told me there were couple-exercises that would help release hormones that would counter the pain and make me feel a little more comfortable. We immediately agreed to learn and practice those exercises. She spoke to us openly about the benefits of natural birthing and the drawbacks of inducing if not medically necessary. She only asked us to try and we agreed. We were shifted back to the ward. I walked, ate, drank all the healthy fruit juices, did butterflies and kept tracking my contractions and their durations.
These exercises that I had to do with my companion, made me feel more relaxed and less scared. We thought about not having an epidural which might lead to long term pain. The doula came to check in on us regularly. During one of our conversations we mentioned to her our initial ideas about having a water-birth, which she said was possible in the hospital if the authorities agreed. Being the initial phase of the pandemic, the facility of water-birthing was kept on hold as the whole medical fraternity was short-staffed. After many requests a water-birth was agreed only after checking the baby’s and my vitals.
We were happy. We continued with the couple exercises and the others that were told to us. I walked across all the corridors in the hospital. The ramp was my favorite, I’d go up all the way and down from the other side. I kept myself distracted while the baby prepared to come into the world. I did other exercises too; bouncing on a gym ball, leaning and twisting against the wall, stretching, bending, everything except lying down or sleeping. After doing what felt like a million butterfly flaps and several check ups for dilation; after 20 hours into labor, the pain was unbearable but the dilatation hadn’t reached the minimum requirement.
Seeing my sleepless, helpless and painful condition, they prepared me for water birth and gave many instructions to my partner to support me through the process. We went to the operation theater, where beside the bed there was an air filled portable swimming pool filled with water; whose warmth matched the warmth of the amniotic fluid in my womb.
There were two nurses and my companion with me around the pool. My husband’s presence with me gave me a lot of support. He equally valued being there with me inside the operation theater; about which I learnt in his letter to the baby shortly after his birth.
As I entered the water I was told different positions and postures to perform in the pool while very frequently the vitals of the baby was checked. The pain started getting intense and unbearable. Every mention of ‘unbearable’ pain being more unbearable than the previous mention of the same.
I shouted, screamed and begged for many alternatives to the task at hand; while the nurses kept calm and continued to guide me. At my inconsolable break-down, I only heard my doula’s words “the only way for the pain to end is to get through it and there is no way around……”
Her assertive-firm voice and the state of my mind directed me to follow instructions. I was far beyond tired for any other pursuit. I surrendered to the process. I was experiencing labor pains for more than 25 hours by this time. Because there was no other administrable medication while in water, they arranged for a small dose of laughing gas whose pipe was given to my companion to hold to help me inhale its fumes every time that I experienced immense pain. Afterwards he mentioned to me how I bit into his hand while trying to hold the pipe in my mouth, claiming it to be part of his labor pain..!
While it felt as if the process lasted forever, in absolute obedience, I followed the instructions. To kneel down, to stand, half-stand, to sit, to turn around, turn sideways, to bend and turn in any and all postures that were suggested to me. What felt like infinity came to a new beginning when they informed me about the commencement of the crowning of the baby. I was fully awake and I could experience every bit of what was happening. There was such intense pain, I had no thought about what needs to be done and it felt like the end of life. I shut my eyes, having my face up and when suddenly, the pain suddenly came to a halt. I continued to hear the nurses asking me to push. But since the pain stopped, my body suddenly relaxed. My eyes were still shut, my face looking upward, my back was against the wall of the circular pool, one hand holding my partner’s, when the nurse then tapped on my left shoulder and asked me to look down between my legs. ‘Look at your baby!’ they said.
I saw the shoulders and hands folded across the chest while I felt the rest of my baby’s body inside me. That’s when I first saw my baby while also feeling it inside me.
As part of the natural birthing process, I was asked to continue to push the baby out. I couldn’t. And that’s when I realized that the pain was actually helpful in enabling the body to push the baby out. It took me longer to push the rest of my baby out, two whole minutes.
As the baby came out, we saw it floating under the water, tied to me. My partner and I were very baffled, bewildered and all else. The nurse lifted the baby out of the water and put it on my left shoulder when I heard the cry for the first time, near my left ear, So near, as if almost inside my ear. It was unbelievable… All the theories about what we read and heard about having a baby, all the knowledge that we thought we had… didn’t ever mention that feeling of astonishment of actually bringing a new life from inside of me.
The nurse then asked my partner if he wanted to cut the umbilical cord.. He needed a bit of snapping back into the world after which he cut the cord with his eyes full. The baby was then taken for check ups and cleaning while I was taken to the operation table to finish the process of delivering the placenta and cleaning and suturing the rest of my womb. My partner called the family to share the birth of a baby boy at mid-night, all of which I could hear and be part of. He wrote in detail a letter of his experience of becoming a father, addressing it to the newborn.
Against all my fears of what would happen to me or my health after childbirth. I was very blessed that I experienced a very natural child birthing process with very minimal vaginal tears and I was able to walk back to my room normally, after birthing. Both my partner and I fell into a deep sleep in our ward. The baby was brought to us after a couple of hours and the concept of feeding was introduced in practicality. ‘Inverted nipples’, they said. They said, I shouldn’t have worn a bra for long periods during the pregnancy. New learning..!! It was all a phase of new(s) since then. We worked our ways around jaundice, breast engorgement, milk expressing, milk donation, many-several-multiple suggestions, controlled eating to eating everything, long hours of feeding, burping, sleepless nights, a colic baby, traditional medicines, controlling of practices through the exclusive breastfeeding period, vaccinations, baby’s health, tight band of saree around the abdomen, postpartum moods and lots and lots of thoughts.
All this, parallel by a caring and supportive family and students marking my insightful journey of becoming a better person, for a tiny being. I fondly continue to remember my father carrying a cushion and running round the different places along with me; being very prompt each time, to place it on what might already be a cushion that I am going to sit on. My late grandfather Swami, Karthik mama, Anthu mama and Vidya chitti upkept my stock of yummy samosas, cakes and snacks while my grandmother and both my mothers kept my schedules for traditional medicines. My partner, my sister, my cousins, friends and my students took turns doing night-duty and day-duty with the baby while I could be fast asleep and resting. I am grateful for all the people I’ve shared and share this phase of my life with. I learnt and continue to learn how “it takes a village to grow a child”. A journey that I continue to embark upon even today, after 1901 days to grow myself to a better ‘me’ to be able to lead my child by example.
Humbled by the experience of being a mother with a wonderful support system,
Arunima
13th November 2024
My Incredible Journey – Pregnancy
Becoming pregnant was not an easy journey for me. I conceived at the age of 30, after trying for three long years. After 40th periods of being together. It was a challenging time, meeting family and friends who often asked when we’d be expecting, and dealing with the emotional ups and downs of waiting for our blessing.
When we finally did conceive, I quickly realized that the pregnancy journey wouldn’t be easy either. Well-meaning advice came pouring in from family and friends — “Be careful,” “Don’t climb stairs,” “Don’t work too hard,” “Don’t bend, sit, or walk too much.” While I knew this advice came from a place of love and care, my husband and I decided to live our pregnancy the way we felt was best. We choose to be active, stay engaged with life, and not let fear or restriction dictate our experience.
I worked for 8-10 hours a day in the office right up until a week before my delivery. Many women experience morning sickness, nausea, and vomiting during pregnancy, but I never did. I believe a lot of the discomforts that come with pregnancy are triggered by psychological factors. In the movies, pregnancy is often portrayed with dramatic scenes of vomiting, but my journey was different. I woke up every morning feeling active and ready to start the day. I spent my evenings exercising, doing 2-hour workouts — walking, slow running, and stretching on the terrace while listening to light music. One of my favorite things was hearing the chirping of hundreds of parrots returning home in the evening.
Even at work, I stayed active. I travelled for business by flight, road, and train — my leaders were always supportive and never pressured me. A few days before my due date, I even climbed a ladder to clean the shelves in my house in preparation for our newborn, and I mopped the floors by hand without a mop stick!
Every weekend, my husband and I would go for early morning walks in the park to expose the baby to fresh air and the sounds of nature, including the chirping birds. I never stopped doing what I loved, ensuring my baby and I stayed safe.
Throughout my pregnancy, I made it a habit to speak to my baby. I would explain what I was doing, what I was eating, and the nutritional value of the foods I chose. I also listened to rhymes, and music I loved, and even read the book ” The Secret ” to nurture my mind and spirit. I would tell my baby about all the people who would be in their life, explaining the relationships they would have. During my baby shower, as family and friends came up to bless me, I explained to the baby, how lucky you are to have so many wonderful people. Also, I kept explaining to him who was blessing him and me. Like it’s now Granny blessing you, Grandpa blessing you.
I remember feeling my baby, Suthiksh, for the first time in the fourth month of pregnancy, around 7 p.m. It was a strong kick from his tiny little legs. I was sitting with my mom, making garlands, when a thunderstorm rolled in. I believe the sound of the storm startled him, and he gave me that big kick! I excitedly told my mom, “Amma, the baby is kicking!” she said, “That means your baby is healthy and has good hearing.”
The final days of pregnancy were not easy, either. Suthiksh stayed in my womb until 40 weeks, and just two days before reaching the 40-week mark, he was born. My husband and I were pressured by family to schedule a C-section to align with an auspicious time, “Nalla Neram.” There was also pressure from some elders about delivering during a new moon, fearing it might affect the baby’s future. Despite the pressure, we decided we wanted to wait for the natural onset of labor. We were strong in our decision but still faced the constant tug of family expectations.
Suthiksh was born after 16 hours of labor, which was followed by a C-section. It was exhausting, but my determination kept me going. Same day evening was up and walking, climbing stairs by 8 p.m. — less than 24 hours after delivery! When the doctor visited me the following morning, she couldn’t believe her eyes. I wasn’t lying in bed with a tired face in my hospital gown. Instead, I was up, moving around in my own clothes, going about the room with energy and purpose.
After Suthiksh was born, I noticed how he responded to the sounds he had heard while in the womb — the music, the parrots, and even the rhythms of daily life. He would wave his hands and legs, trying to interact with the world around him.
Today, Suthiksh is 9 years old. He is an independent, confident, and happy child. He has a strong sense of self, is highly respectful of elders, and doesn’t seek attention. He is active, just like he was in the womb, and continues to surprise me with his wisdom and thoughtfulness. He makes me proud every day.
My journey with Suthiksh has changed me in countless ways. I’ve grown into a better, stronger person. The lessons I’ve learned from him have shaped my evolution into a more compassionate, focused individual. The credit for everything I am today goes to my husband, who stood by my side every step of the way. Without his unwavering support, I wouldn’t be who I am.
As I reflect on my life now, at the age of 39, I am still pursuing my leadership course to remain competitive in this fast-paced world. Saturdays are a busy day for us. Suthiksh’s chess class starts at 9:30 a.m., and my online class begins at 10 a.m. Today, we woke up late due to a long workday the day before. We were all running behind on our morning routine — from cooking breakfast to getting ready.
Despite the rush, my husband helped Suthiksh get into his class, while I made dosa for him. I was running late for my class, so I took a quick shower and joined my class without breakfast. When my husband went out to get groceries, Suthiksh came to check if I had eaten. I told him I hadn’t and was feeling hungry. Without hesitation, he made his first dosa for me, all on his own, and served it to me. My eyes filled with tears — no words could express how touched I was. I enjoyed his crispy dosa while attending my class, filled with gratitude.
To all the moms-to-be reading this, I wish you a healthy, safe pregnancy and a smooth delivery. I will keep you all in my prayers for a safe and happy journey ahead.
Regards,
Suthiksh’s Mom.
What unforgettable pregnancy memory do you have? Write to me at eetrarai@gmail.com. I am sure it will help others.
Even though millions of children are born worldwide, each birth is its own unique story. A mother with ten children will have ten different stories. I believe that every birth story deserves to be told. By sharing these stories, experiences get recorded. Documenting every phase of a woman’s life is essential because it helps clear doubts and provides clarity. When women begin to speak, one may even wonder if there will be enough space to record all their stories.
Now, lets come to my story. I have two children—the elder is a girl, and the younger is a boy. I conceived for the first time eight months after getting married. The pure joy of discovering I was pregnant through a simple test on that early morning is still fresh in my memory. At that time, I was working as a lecturer in a private college, so there wasn’t much time to rest. Moreover, I lived in a joint family, so time flew by with household chores and college work.
I was well cared at home. The food was a bit less spicy, and I missed my mother’s food. But my father would bring food from my mother’s home every day before heading to work. My craving for my mother’s delicious spicy food was fulfilled. I didn’t face any significant issues like morning sickness or other discomforts during the pregnancy.
Even the bitterness that had crept into my marriage some months earlier seemed irrelevant during this time. I eagerly watched as the river of life seemed to turn in a new direction. Being naturally energetic and bubbly, I continued to feel vibrant throughout. Monthly checkups confirmed that the baby was growing well, and this assurance strengthened my already positive mindset.
On the day the doctor marked as the due date, I was feeling normal. The doctor advised waiting a couple more days. I couldn’t just sit and stare at my belly, waiting for the baby to come, so I decided to distract myself by reading all five volumes of Ponniyin Selvan in one sitting. The day I finished reading, I began feeling mild contractions. I was admitted to the hospital on the night of January 13, 1999. Since the doctor said it would be a natural birth, we decided to wait a bit longer. But thankfully, my daughter didn’t delay too much, and she was born the next day, on Pongal, making her our Pongal gift.
The experience with my second child was entirely different. It was I who decided I definitely wanted a second child. So, once I conceived, I didn’t complain about the struggles. But I must admit, the excitement I had during the first pregnancy wasn’t there this time. To make things worse, a cough started in my fourth month and disturbed my peace. I was always busy with college work, household chores, and taking care of my first child during the day, and when I hoped to get some sleep at night, the cough would begin within ten minutes of lying down. Most nights, I ended up sleeping on a chair in the hall. Every day would start with exhaustion.
In the seventh month, during a scan, they discovered some cysts on the uterine wall. That report shattered my peace. Mentally, I became fragile, prone to anger and tears. My mind was filled with wild, unnecessary imaginations. I would cry myself to sleep, fearing what would happen to my daughter if I didn’t survive the delivery. I couldn’t even go to my mother’s house for comfort.
The second pregnancy was a phase filled with unwarranted fears and unpleasant times. Despite only a three-year gap between the first and second pregnancies, I felt mentally and physically drained. Eventually, the delivery was a C-section. We attempted a natural birth, but when the baby’s heartbeat began to drop, the doctor decided on a C-section.
I can still recall the feeling of the anesthesia. It felt like I was slipping into a bottomless pit. Yet, I could feel the sensation of a knife cutting my lower abdomen, hands probing, and something being pulled out of my body, all of which felt like a distant dream. My son was born, a beautiful boy.
The moment I held him in my arms and later when my daughter played with her sleeping brother in his cradle, I breathed a sigh of relief. I even laughed at myself, thinking maybe we overdramatized the whole thing.
What unforgettable pregnancy memory do you have? Write to me at eetrarai@gmail.com. I am sure it will help others.
உலகில் கோடிக்கணக்கான குழந்தைகள் பிறந்தாலும் ஒவ்வொரு பிரசவமும் ஒவ்வொரு தனிக்கதை தான். பத்து குழந்தைகள் பெற்ற தாய்க்குக் கூட பத்து கதைகள் இருக்கும். ஒவ்வொரு பிரவசத்தின் கதையும் பேசப்பட வேண்டும். அப்படிப் பேசப்படுவதன் மூலம் அனுபவங்கள் பதிவாகின்றன. பெண்களின் வாழ்நிலை பற்றிய ஒவ்வொரு பருவத்திற்கான பதிவுகளும் நிச்சயம் அவசியமானவை என்று நான் கருதுகிறேன். அது பல ஐயங்களைப் போக்கும். தெளிவைத் தரும். பெண்கள் பேசத் தொடங்கினால் விரியும் கதைகளை எழுத இடம் போதுமா என்று கூட தோன்றுகிறது.
சரி என் கதைக்கு வருவோம். எனக்கு இரண்டு குழந்தைகள். மூத்தது பெண், இளையது ஆண். திருமணமாகி எட்டு மாதங்கள் கழித்து நான் முதல் கருவுற்றேன். கருவுற்றிருக்கிறேன் என்பதை சிறு பரிசோதனை மூலம் தெரிந்து கொண்ட அந்த அதிகாலையின் பரிபூரண மகிழ்ச்சி இன்னும் என் நினைவில் உள்ளது. நான் அப்போது ஒரு தனியார் கல்லூரியில் விரிவுரையாளராகப் பணி புரிந்து வந்தேன். எனவே, ஓய்வெடுக்க நேரம் என்பதெல்லாம் இல்லை. நான் இருந்ததும் கூட்டுக் குடும்பத்தில். வீட்டு வேலைகள், கல்லூரிப் பணி என்று நேரம் சரியாகவே இருக்கும்.
பக்ககத்தில் நல்ல கவனிப்பு இருந்தது. சாப்பாட்டில் கொஞ்சம் காரம் குறைவாக இருக்கும். அது குறையாகவே தான் இருந்தது. அம்மா வீடும் சென்னையிலேயே தான் என்றாலும் மாமியாரின் அனுமதி இல்லாமல் செல்ல முடியாதே. ஆனால், அப்பா தினமும் சாப்பாடு கொண்டு வந்து கொடுத்து விட்டு அவருடைய அலுவலகம் போவார். அம்மாவின் கை மணத்தோடு கூடிய காரமான உணவு உண்ணும் ஆசையும் அப்படித் தணிந்தது. எனக்குப் பெரிதாக மசக்கையோ வேறு பிரச்சினைகளோ ஏதும் இல்லை.
சில மாதங்கள் முன்பு திருமண வாழ்வு குறித்து இருந்த கசப்புகளையும் இந்த சமயத்தில் பொருட்படுத்தவில்லை. வாழ்வின் நதி வேறு புறம் திரும்புவதை நானும் ஆவலோடு பார்த்துக் கொண்டிருந்தேன். இயல்பிலேயே உற்சாகமும் கலகலப்பான சுபாவமும் உடைய நான் இன்னும் புத்துணர்வு மிக்கவளாகவே உணர்ந்தேன். மாதாந்திரப் பரிசோதனைகள் குழந்தை சரியானபடி வளர்வதை உறுதிபடுத்தியபடி இருந்தது என் ஆரோக்கியமான மனநிலைக்கு மேலும் வலு சேர்த்தது.
பிரசவ நாள் குறிப்பிடப் பட்ட அன்று நான் இயல்பாகவே இருந்தேன். மருத்துவர் இரண்டொருநாள் பொறுத்து பார்க்கலாம் என அனுப்பிவிட்டார். வயிற்றையே உற்றுப் பார்த்துக் கொண்டிருந்தால் குழந்தை பிறந்துவிடுமா? எனவே மனதை திசைதிருப்பியே ஆக வேண்டும் என்ற உந்துதலில் பொன்னியின் செல்வன் ஐந்து பாகங்களையும் ஒரே வாசிப்பில் படித்து முடித்தேன். வாசித்து முடித்த அன்று இரவு லேசாக படபடப்பு அதிகமாகவே ஜனவரி மாதம் பதிமூன்றாம் தேதி (1999) மருத்துவமனையில் சேர்ந்தேன். சுகப் பிரசவம் ஆகும் என்பதால் இன்னும் பொறுக்கலாம் எனச் சொல்லிவிட்டார் மருத்துவர். இன்னுமொருநாள் காத்திருப்பு. ஆக்கப் பொறுத்தவனுக்கு ஆகப் பொறுக்காத மனநிலை தான். சற்று எரிச்சலும் நிதானமின்மையும் கூட இருந்தது. நல்லவேளை ,மகள் அதை நீட்டிக்காமல் அடுத்த நாள் பொங்கலன்று , பொங்கல் பரிசாகக் கிடைத்துவிட்டாள்.
இரண்டாவது குழந்தைக்கான அனுபவம் இதிலிருந்து முற்றிலும் வேறானது. இரண்டாவது குழந்தை நிச்சயம் வேண்டும் என்று முடிவெடுத்தது நான் தான். எனவே, கருவுற்றதும் சிரமங்கள் பற்றி பேசினால் எப்படி எடுபடும். முதல் குழந்தை கருவுற்றபோது இருந்த உற்சாக மனநிலை இப்போது இல்லை என்றே சொல்லவேண்டும். கூடவே நான்காம் மாதத்தில் துவங்கிய இருமல் வேறு என் நிம்மதியைக் குலைத்தது. பகலெல்லாம் கல்லூரி வேலை வீட்டுவேலை, முதல் குழந்தை பராமரிப்பு என்று ஓய்வின்றி இருந்துவிட்டு இரவிலாவது சற்று கண்ணயரலாம் என்றால் படுத்த பத்தாவது நிமிடம் இருமல் தொடங்கிவிடும். பெரும்பாலும் , ஹாலில் உள்ள நாற்காலியில் அமர்ந்தவாறே தூங்கி எழுவேன். அடுத்த நாள் சோர்வோடு தான் துவங்கும்.
இடையில் ஏழாம் மாத ஸ்கேன் பரிசோதனையில் கருவறைச் சுவற்றில் சில நீர்க்கட்டிகள் இருப்பதாய் வந்த பரிசோதனை முடிவு என் நிம்மதியைக் குலைத்துப் போட்டது. மனதளவில் நான் தொட்டாச் சிணுங்கியாகப் போயிருந்தேன். தொட்டதெற்கெல்லாம் கோபமும் அழுகையுமாக என் நிஜ முகமே எனக்கு மறந்து போனது. போதாதற்கு என்னென்னவோ விபரீதமான கற்பனைகள் வேறு மனத்தை அரித்தெடுக்கும். பிரவசத்தில் ஒருவேளை நான் இறந்து போனால் என் மகளின் கதி என்னவாகுமோ என்ற தேவையற்ற கற்பனை பயங்களில் இரவின் பாதி நேரத்தைக் கண்ணீர் சிந்தியபடி கழிப்பேன். அம்மா வீட்டுக்கும் போக இயலவில்லை.
காரணமற்ற வேதனைகளும் இனிமையற்ற பொழுதுகளுமாகவே என் இரண்டாவது கருவுற்ற காலம் கழிந்தது. முதலாவதிற்கும் இரண்டாவதுக்குமான மூன்றாண்டு இடைவெளியிலேயே மனதாலும் உடலாலும் தளர்ந்துவிட்டதைப் போன்ற சோர்வு என்னை ஆட்கொண்டது. பிரசவமும் சிசேரியனாகவே முடிந்தது. சுகப்பிரவசத்திற்கு முயன்று முடியாமல் , குழந்தையின் இருதயத் துடிப்பு குறைந்துவருகிறதோ என்ற அச்சத்தில் சிசேரியன் என முடிவானது.
அந்த மயக்க ஊசி இன்னும் என் நினைவில். வழுக்கிக் கொண்டு அதளபாதாளத்திற்குள் விழுவது போன்ற உணர்வு. ஆயினும் அடிவயிற்றில் கத்தி படுவதும் கை துழாவுவதும் ஏதோ ஒன்று உடலிலிருந்து வெளிப்படுவதுமான உணர்வுகள் புகைக் காற்றாய் மிதந்து நின்றன. மகன் பிறந்து விட்டான். அழகன் தான்.
குழந்தையைக் கையில் வாங்கிய தருணமும் மாலையில் மகள் தொட்டிலில் உறங்கும் தன் தம்பியை விளையாட்டுக் காட்டிக் கொண்டிருந்த தருணமும் எனக்குள் ஒரு நிம்மதிப் பெருமூச்சை விளைவித்தது. கொஞ்சம் அதிகமாகவே பயந்து , நாடகம் நடத்திவிட்டோமோ என்று என்னையே நினைத்து நான் சிரித்துக் கொண்டேன்.
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