Arunima’s Motherhood Experience

June-Baby

“One has to bring up a child as if it belongs to the world and the world belongs to the child” Krishnammal paati said to my partner before continuing with ‘… baby is going to come…!’ At Jagannathan ayya’s samadhi in Gandhigram, we shared the moment and took their blessings. Dr.Sathya very compassionately cared for us. With origami puppets and video calls, we broke the news to the family. Aunty made kesari to celebrate the new beginning, everyone blessed us. We were happy and excited. We also found a small scanning place where the father will be allowed to be inside the room for the scan. I remember my partner crying when he saw the baby dance inside the womb after a whole day’s wait and innumerable fruit juices.

“It’s all for the baby!” The whole world started revolving around the unborn. My caffeine intake was banned while all the other foods became available at all times. Apple-Beetroot-Carrot juice became my companion’s specialty, relentlessly he’d make it for me each day. My sister sent me a dress with mummies on it. Ajay and Archana quietly watched me eat the bhajis that were meant for everyone. Aathirai took care of me at work.

As a mother-to-be I received extra love and care. I cherish the memory of my late aunty Tara, sitting on her dining chair, dancing and singing aloud “baby… baby… baby…!!”. Through the pregnancy, all of us ensured that I didn’t take much stress or strain. My first realization of my body changing was when I ran to catch a bus, a usual thing; but I just couldn’t keep pace, I was breathless, panting heavily and felt extremely sick. Only then I slowly began to learn about my new self that was coming to be.

As the baby grew, everything seemed dreamy; we recorded videos talking to the child, read many books to him, ate both healthy and moody, had photoshoots, somehow managed with multiple pillows to achieve comfortable sleep, had our pet dogs and cats rest on the womb, spoke and sang to the baby; the pandemic began. Amidst all the confusion around the world, we had complete family time. My in-laws coaxed the goldsmith to secretly make me bangles. Through the lockdown and new-everyday restrictions, they managed all ritualistic arrangements, ensuring blessings from all around. We had a baby shower and then traveled across states with a quarantine stamp on the arm.

My grandmother sang long stotras for the baby, my father, sister, uncles, aunts, grandfather, companion, students; everyone took great care to fulfill all my cravings in the most sanitized way. My mother fought her way from a foreign country to see and support me. My doctor sister, stayed back home sanitizing everything or stayed away from home for days when she had her duty at the hospital. She was more than anyone concerned about the pregnancy; The slightest of symptoms and she applied all her ‘medical gyan’… and panicked. Her friends, all doctors, were available to me and showered me with food and fun.

I feel I was blessed to have myself surrounded with loving family. There were also times when difficult things were spoken, to which I spoke to the baby about how we could choose to listen to or not listen to and interpret in our own ways, things which are in our hands in this interestingly wonderful world.  Pregnancy during the pandemic demanded dynamicity. I continued with my work, cooked, cleaned, even tailored quilts from old sarees during the wait. I consulted with the doctor regularly, did exercises that supported pregnancy and also prepared my body for feeding. I kept walking and walking, and it was soon 40 weeks. “Enough!” I felt, but I kept telling myself “it’s all for the baby..! Baby decides when to come out” and went on with walking and exercises.  

At midnight, while we were amidst pandemic fun things, the water broke. First thing we kept calm. We had talked about and planned for different scenarios earlier. A bag was packed and kept ready for the hospital. We drove to the hospital, I was admitted in the emergency while my partner ran around, filling forms, completing the formalities. Later, I was taken to the room. Throughout the night I was noting down the timings and the contractions. Also entering in between my feelings, emotions and scolding my companion for falling asleep while I was putting to practice all the breathing techniques and pain relieving techniques that I have learnt. By morning, I thought that the pain was unbearable and they took me for an NST where the result showed that what was unbearable for me was only 20% on the pain scale. My heart sank and my fear grew. And then began the saga of endless walking, drinking water, butterfly-like flapping of my legs., and all other sets of exercises for more dilatation and stronger contractions. After a couple of hours, the pain which was still unbearable to me, reached only 30% of what it should be. Unbelievable !!

Due to the pandemic, none of the other family or friends were allowed to the hospital. There were several video calls and long hours of wait. By now, it had already been 12 hours of labor pains and we were both very tired and scared. As time passed, the fear grew and we gave into all suggestions given by the hospital staff. They were wanting to help. We agreed to be induced, we agreed to take an epidural, we agreed to do a C-section if necessary and we were shifted to a pre-preparatory room where we were asked to wait. While waiting through the pain, through the contractions, the fears that both of us had as first-time-parents, we tried to laugh through and crack jokes because we thought that the child was listening and could feel our fears. That’s when a lady walked up to us in a navy blue uniform, introduced herself as a Doula, a word we heard for the first time. She began by asking us how we were doing. For my complaints about the pain, she told me there were couple-exercises that would help release hormones that would counter the pain and make me feel a little more comfortable. We immediately agreed to learn and practice those exercises. She spoke to us openly about the benefits of natural birthing and the drawbacks of inducing if not medically necessary. She only asked us to try and we agreed. We were shifted back to the ward. I walked, ate, drank all the healthy fruit juices, did butterflies and kept tracking my contractions and their durations.

These exercises that I had to do with my companion, made me feel more relaxed and less scared. We thought about not having an epidural which might lead to long term pain. The doula came to check in on us regularly. During one of our conversations we mentioned to her our initial ideas about having a water-birth, which she said was possible in the hospital if  the authorities agreed. Being the initial phase of the pandemic, the facility of water-birthing was kept on hold as the whole medical fraternity was short-staffed. After many requests a water-birth was agreed only after checking the baby’s and my vitals. 

We were happy.  We continued with the couple exercises and the others that were told to us. I walked across all the corridors in the hospital. The ramp was my favorite, I’d go up all the way and down from the other side. I kept myself distracted while the baby prepared to come into the world. I did other exercises too; bouncing on a gym ball, leaning and twisting against the wall, stretching, bending, everything except lying down or sleeping. After doing what felt like a million butterfly flaps and several check ups for dilation; after 20 hours into labor, the pain was unbearable but the dilatation hadn’t reached the minimum requirement. 

Seeing my sleepless, helpless and painful condition, they prepared me for water birth and gave many instructions to my partner to support me through the process. We went to the operation theater, where beside the bed there was an air filled portable swimming pool filled with water; whose warmth matched the warmth of the amniotic fluid in my womb. 

There were two nurses and my companion with me around the pool. My husband’s presence with me gave me a lot of support. He equally valued being there with me inside the operation theater; about which I learnt in his letter to the baby shortly after his birth.

As I entered the water I was told different positions and postures to perform in the pool while very frequently the vitals of the baby was checked. The pain started getting intense and unbearable. Every mention of ‘unbearable’ pain being more unbearable than the previous mention of the same. 

I shouted, screamed and begged for many alternatives to the task at hand; while the nurses kept calm and continued to guide me. At my inconsolable break-down, I only heard my doula’s words “the only way for the pain to end is to get through it and there is no way around……”

Her assertive-firm voice and the state of my mind directed me to follow instructions. I was far beyond tired for any other pursuit. I surrendered to the process. I was experiencing labor pains for more than 25 hours by this time. Because there was no other administrable medication while in water, they arranged for a small dose of laughing gas whose pipe was given to my companion to hold to help me inhale its fumes every time that I experienced immense pain. Afterwards he mentioned to me how I bit into his hand while trying to hold the pipe in my mouth, claiming it to be part of his labor pain..!

While it felt as if the process lasted forever, in absolute obedience, I followed the instructions. To kneel down, to stand, half-stand, to sit, to turn around, turn sideways, to bend and turn in any and all postures that were suggested to me. What felt like infinity came to a new beginning when they informed me about the commencement of the crowning of the baby. I was fully awake and I could experience every bit of what was happening. There was such intense pain, I had no thought about what needs to be done and it felt like the end of life. I shut my eyes, having my face up and when suddenly, the pain suddenly came to a halt. I continued to hear the nurses asking me to push. But since the pain stopped, my body suddenly relaxed. My eyes were still shut, my face looking upward, my back was against the wall of the circular pool, one hand holding my partner’s, when the nurse then tapped on my left shoulder and asked me to look down between my legs. ‘Look at your baby!’ they said.

I saw the shoulders and hands folded across the chest while I felt the rest of my baby’s body inside me. That’s when I first saw my baby while also feeling it inside me.

As part of the natural birthing process, I was asked to continue to push the baby out. I couldn’t. And that’s when I realized that the pain was actually helpful in enabling the body to push the baby out. It took me longer to push the rest of my baby out, two whole minutes. 

As the baby came out, we saw it floating under the water, tied to me. My partner and I were very baffled, bewildered and all else. The nurse lifted the baby out of the water and put it on my left shoulder when I heard the cry for the first time, near my left ear, So near, as if almost inside my ear. It was unbelievable… All the theories about what we read and heard about having a baby, all the knowledge that we thought we had… didn’t ever mention that feeling of astonishment of actually bringing a new life from inside of me.

The nurse then asked my partner if he wanted to cut the umbilical cord.. He needed a bit of snapping back into the world after which he cut the cord with his eyes full. The baby was then taken for check ups and cleaning while I was taken to the operation table to finish the process of delivering the placenta and cleaning and suturing the rest of my womb. My partner called the family to share the birth of a baby boy at mid-night, all of which I could hear and be part of. He wrote in detail a letter of his experience of becoming a father, addressing it to the newborn.

Against all my fears of what would happen to me or my health after childbirth. I was very blessed that I experienced a very natural child birthing process with very minimal vaginal tears and I was able to walk back to my room normally, after birthing. Both my partner and I fell into a deep sleep in our ward. The baby was brought to us after a couple of hours and the concept of feeding was introduced in practicality. ‘Inverted nipples’, they said. They said, I shouldn’t have worn a bra for long periods during the pregnancy. New learning..!! It was all a phase of new(s) since then. We worked our ways around jaundice, breast engorgement, milk expressing, milk donation, many-several-multiple suggestions, controlled eating to eating everything, long hours of feeding, burping, sleepless nights,  a colic baby, traditional medicines, controlling of practices through the exclusive breastfeeding period, vaccinations, baby’s health, tight band of saree around the abdomen, postpartum moods and lots and lots of thoughts.

All this, parallel by a caring and supportive family and students marking my insightful journey of becoming a better person, for a tiny being. I fondly continue to remember my father carrying a cushion and running round the different places along with me; being very prompt each time, to place it on what might already be a cushion that I am going to sit on. My late grandfather Swami, Karthik mama, Anthu mama and Vidya chitti upkept my stock of yummy samosas, cakes and snacks while my grandmother and both my mothers kept my schedules for traditional medicines. My partner, my sister, my cousins, friends and my students took turns doing night-duty and day-duty with the baby while I could be fast asleep and resting. I am grateful for all the people I’ve shared and share this phase of my life with. I learnt and continue to learn how “it takes a village to grow a child”. A journey that I continue to embark upon even today, after 1901 days to grow myself to a better ‘me’ to be able to lead my child by example.

Humbled by the experience of being a mother with a wonderful support system,
Arunima
13th November 2024